The day after meeting

The day after meeting --

This is a memory line. I am trying to remember what i saw, felt and lived through years back. About 17yrs back. I pity my self for not writing events down in my diary...But still the impressions of my love life is so strong that i still remember the feeling, the sites, the views, the passion and everything the way i felt how i changed over the years...When i think about all these over so many years, i know and feel that i was crazy.. Crazy in love. I was probably like a teenager though i was around 24-25Yrs at that time. People mature over time. I was reading a book the other day which talked about how the responses we have to events change over our life times. It says that people keep changing and never stop growing up mentally. The ability to formulate a response matures till we cross in to our forties..

Lets leave that aside, where was I? So yeah, I was going on about my meeting with my first love and how the first meeting went. The next day we decided to meet and the plan was to have one of her friends pick her up in and drop off in a parking lot. I was before time and waiting for them to arrive. Her friend dropped her to a parking lot next to a safeway (i think it was safeway)... I sat in the car and waited for her to come out. She was wearing a black jacket - not leather, but someother material that looked like leather - not glossy, but with some kind of mat finish. She came over and sat in my car and her friend stayed in his car. She did not have a car of her own. 

I asked her "where to"?. She said, lets go to a park near by. I started driving around around. We went to safeway and was wandering around the aisles - she wanted to pick up some small stuff. Then we went to the hotel i was staying. 
I was doing everything like - waiting for a girl to come to me, driving around with just a girl around, going to a hotel room with her etc. So like any young man of that age, and especially with my background, i was anticipating what will happen, what should i do etc and going crazy.

When we were in the room, we talked for some time, i was tired from my 900 mile drive to meet her and watched to freshen up. I took a bath and came back to room. I told her to change her dress as she was still in her jacket. And she said she has nothing spare to wear. I told - why dont you use my T shirt and gave her one. She said - turn around. I did for some time and then i turned. She was in her Bra and trying to put my T shirt on. I just couldn't wait any longer. I was in to trying to get her out of my T shirt for the next 10 minutes. She also wanted to but she said it would be wrong since its her day of sabath. I was hearing such things first time in my life - whats sabbat day?? ....and why is it messing with my naked ness today. Today when i get to see my GF naked ;-)...

Over the next 2hrs, she was in her bras only, then we were in bed and i was kissing her, kissing her nipples, was all over her body. But she never took her panties off. All these things were so new and i was on wire - i ejaculated in my underwear...Yeah!.. my ejakulation story was the same for the next many visits... 

The Meeting

The Meeting -- 

(This is a continuation of the post - The drive)

I drove to her address with print outs from yahoo maps. My idea was that i will park my car some where in the drive and then wait for her to come to my car. When i reached the drive about, i could not figure out apartment numbers. Those were row houses. I figured i will call her and ask her to come out.

She came out with some excuse (later she told me that she told her mother that she needs to give some books to her neighbour). I walked out of my car to meet her. She was standing across the street in the dark. The sun had set. It was around 8pm.  The street lights were on. I saw her better when she moved on to the light and started crossing the street. My first thought was - She is thin and her hair is not very long..
She was smiling brightly and when she was near me, said "so nice to meet you <nickname>". I was standing more of less like a moron with my usual vague smile. And my heart was pounding. Then she hugged me.

That was the first time ever someone hugged me. hugging is not part of my growing up culture and people always keep their distances - my experience growing up. I was speechless practically but hugged back tightly and held on to her. I was not thinking anything. ( Months later when we recalled our meeting in one of the conversations, she told me that she wondered about two things when i hugged. 1. Why i was just holding on to her. 2. How did i get a hard on so fast while hugging her. ;-).

When she pulled back, she said lets move away from the street as some one she knows might see us. We started walking to my car and all i could picture was her mother looking from one of apartment windows wondering whats going on.. That speeded up my walk!..
Inside the car, i was still dumbfound, not talking much. She was chirpy. The car was a left hand drive (in the US, all are). She was sitting in the front passenger seat. The back of the car was facing the drive way, which meant the car was facing one of the apartments. I asked her where is her apartment. She said it was about 50 meters away from where i parked. I talked about how long the drive was and where i was staying. She wanted to sit closer to me. I said come over. She moved closer to me over the hand rest and sat slanting on to me. I was not talking much. Couple of moments of silence and then we started talking again. I was asking her was she wearing make up? Her face was close to mine. I said i could see powder on her face and i touched her lips to feel the lipstick. Then it happened. We kissed. She kissed me (she admitted later that i was too close and she just felt like kissing because she was happy).
I was beyond happiness. A kiss!!.. Me kissing one? That never happened ever. I was simply astounded.
We did not talk much after that. She wanted to leave because it was already 20 mintues and she needed to get back inside. I said yes and then i drove the car to her apartment area and parked. She showed me her apartment window and told me that her room is on the outside.

Thats how i met my first love. We had met online. We had spoken on phone for hours for months. But never met each other till that day. And, in one day we met, hugged and kissed. Both of us never felt like strangers though we were meeting for the first time. I was so happy about the whole thing. I was ecstatic..

Some Old Memories

Today i thought about her again. After some many years many memories are still fresh. I saw the old bank records that showed my spending, on many things. Met her 18 times in two years though 1200 miles separated us. It was love and passion for the first time. A lot of firsts in my life happened during just 2 years. first kiss, first love, first long distance love, first purchases for a girl, first hangouts with a girl, first love mails, messages, talks over phone with a girl, all were firsts for me and it felt just good. I was floating away for official responsibilities, thinking about her all the time. Fights were there, but with a secrete smile inside knowing i can't hate her or fight with her with out hurting my self. it was sweet and sour at the same time, clean and dirty at the same time.

The Drive

അന്നത്തെ കാലത്ത് online chatting പച്ച പിടിച്ചു വരുന്നതേ ഉള്ളു. ഞാന്‍ ഓഫീസി-il ഒരു ഭീകര chat കാരന്‍ തന്നെ ആയിരുന്നു. അങ്ങനെ ഒരു ദിവസം ഞാന്‍ അവളെ പരിചയപ്പെട്ടു. In a chat site. മൂന്ന് നാല് ദിവസം അവളെ അതേ സൈറ്റില്‍ കണ്ടു. പിന്നെ അത് പതിയെ പതിയെ തുടര്‍ദ്ന്നു. ഒരു ദിവസം അവള്‍ ഫോണ്‍ നമ്പര്‍ കൈമാറി.
അന്ന് ഞാന്‍ ആദ്യമായി ഒരു പെണ്ണുമായി അടുക്കും എന്ന് തോന്നി. വിളിച്ചു സംസാരിച്ചു. പിന്നെ അതു ദിവസവും ഉള്ള വിളി ആയി മാറി. അടുത്ത 3 മാസം ഞാന്‍ ഒരു $2000 ഫോണ്‍ വിളിച്ചു തീര്‍ത്തു. എന്റെ റൂം മേറ്റ്സ് billsകണ്ടു ഞെട്ടി.  She called up once and left a voice mail. One of the elder folks in the room was going on and on about how old (29 yrs) he is and how come no girl calls him up. etc. I felt goood about the whole situation. It was nice to have a 'girl' friend for the first time in my life. For the first time there was a female in my life whom i could call up and chit chat. That was an era when cell phones were not common. Landline was the only option and ATT landlines where costly. But who cared about money and the prospect of just being able to call up and talk was exciting for me everyday. I used to wait for evenings when i could just jump out of office and start talking..cell phones were costly. I would be riding a bike on the way home to my apartment and would be talking to her on phone with one hand. The handset was bulky like a brick. I would drive over bridges, stop at traffic lights and would put her on hold by putting the brick phone in my pocket.
it was crazy..
One fine January, i was told by my project manager that we may wrap up the project. I was not sure if that meant going back to india. Not sure if that meant moving to another place farther away. I wanted to meet her. I just paused for a second and thought how. Fly? that was too costly. Drive? but thats 900+ miles. I'd never driver outside of just the downtown i was staying.... long distance?
Then on a tursday, i decided to go. I got car booked at budget car rentals, filled up gas, took printouts from yahoo maps and mapquest both and just drove. It was night and i got lost. stopped at gas stations and asked for directions to which they gave somethings like "go west on interstate and then you'll reach loop" etc. I was not used to instructions like that, but i had no options, i brought some maps and drove. I would reset the milaage on the dash board at every direction change on the driving directions just to be sure. some times, the directions said 220 miles on east. i was worried about gas emptying so would fill up as soon as it reached quarter tank. some places i saw "next gas station 52 miles" and i got worried about about gas getting over...i was driving a ford taurus. Like the one below. green..It was a huge car. I thought if i get in to an accident, may be i'll survive.



The drive was for 14 hrs. I was alone, slept through on the road sides and reached destination. Drove around a lot before i could find the hotel. I was tired after 14hrs of journey and was ready to sleep. I got lost on the way, was stopped by police for speeding, it was snowing in some states near to destination - all in all, it was one heck of a journey.
But the prospect of meeting my girl friend (the first and the only one i had), was so exciting that i just wanted to run out and meet her. I called and talked to her and though she said we can meet up tomorrow morning after her parents leave for work, i just could not wait. I wanted to meet her right away and was insistent. Infact i was a little surprised that she suggested it like that. I waited in the hotel till about 7:30 in the evening and then headed out to meet her.

Anticipation - the prosepect of meeting a girl - for a person who never had girl friends ever, who never been with girls on a party, journey.

My Ex

I wish to listen to her. But I can't. She is my ex. I know she means well even if she is the one who is alone and with out any company. I know she cares for me still. I know she likes to listen to me if she gets the chance. I consider her as a loving, caring and a selfless person. 

Office

Office is a tad boring these days. I need more independent responsibility. Since I am considered 'uncle' category, the expectations are daunting... why don't i start a business my self and get out of this rat hole...

Spark

What is the reason behind couples feeling a lack of spark in their married life after long years of marriage? I am asking this question my self now a days because me and my wife fight more than what we used to may be 10 years back!....
She gives her own reasons - I am more critical about her dressing, diving in to work more often, less holidays (cost impacts), rising expenses and consequently less time on entertainment, less holidays, more needs, less sex, more worries and what not....
I think and analyse my actions and I know she is right!!!...I am more critical about her dressing...from simple dresses, she has moved up the fashion value chain... more flaunts, more buys and show or show offs.. Its not at a scale where a husband should cringe.. its very  subtle and tolerable...but i am fcuking jealous.  May be stress of work and daily troubles have taken a bigger toll on my health and looks (not that i was in great shape earlierr ;0) and now when she gets looks, i get jealous. When she buys stuff, i get jealous. Oh fcking jesus, i know i am wrong damn it.
Now she fights because i watch and comment and all that. I am not able to give the 'you look great' comments anymore...I have become a proper MCP. My ego is so fcked up that i hate to admit these to my wife....and trying to keep it happy is a struggle.....
and i can blog just to bitch about these....ha ha...funny......I guess...

I think i should ignore the things i've started to not like and what creates jealousy...after all i am a goddamned middle aged dumb muck!!