Today i thought about her again. After some many years many memories are still fresh. I saw the old bank records that showed my spending, on many things. Met her 18 times in two years though 1200 miles separated us. It was love and passion for the first time. A lot of firsts in my life happened during just 2 years. first kiss, first love, first long distance love, first purchases for a girl, first hangouts with a girl, first love mails, messages, talks over phone with a girl, all were firsts for me and it felt just good. I was floating away for official responsibilities, thinking about her all the time. Fights were there, but with a secrete smile inside knowing i can't hate her or fight with her with out hurting my self. it was sweet and sour at the same time, clean and dirty at the same time.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Thursday, 27 September 2012
The Drive
അന്നത്തെ കാലത്ത് online chatting പച്ച പിടിച്ചു വരുന്നതേ ഉള്ളു. ഞാന് ഓഫീസി-il ഒരു ഭീകര chat കാരന് തന്നെ ആയിരുന്നു. അങ്ങനെ ഒരു ദിവസം ഞാന് അവളെ പരിചയപ്പെട്ടു. In a chat site. മൂന്ന് നാല് ദിവസം അവളെ അതേ സൈറ്റില് കണ്ടു. പിന്നെ അത് പതിയെ പതിയെ തുടര്ദ്ന്നു. ഒരു ദിവസം അവള് ഫോണ് നമ്പര് കൈമാറി.
അന്ന് ഞാന് ആദ്യമായി ഒരു പെണ്ണുമായി അടുക്കും എന്ന് തോന്നി. വിളിച്ചു സംസാരിച്ചു. പിന്നെ അതു ദിവസവും ഉള്ള വിളി ആയി മാറി. അടുത്ത 3 മാസം ഞാന് ഒരു $2000 ഫോണ് വിളിച്ചു തീര്ത്തു. എന്റെ റൂം മേറ്റ്സ് billsകണ്ടു ഞെട്ടി. She called up once and left a voice mail. One of the elder folks in the room was going on and on about how old (29 yrs) he is and how come no girl calls him up. etc. I felt goood about the whole situation. It was nice to have a 'girl' friend for the first time in my life. For the first time there was a female in my life whom i could call up and chit chat. That was an era when cell phones were not common. Landline was the only option and ATT landlines where costly. But who cared about money and the prospect of just being able to call up and talk was exciting for me everyday. I used to wait for evenings when i could just jump out of office and start talking..cell phones were costly. I would be riding a bike on the way home to my apartment and would be talking to her on phone with one hand. The handset was bulky like a brick. I would drive over bridges, stop at traffic lights and would put her on hold by putting the brick phone in my pocket.
it was crazy..
One fine January, i was told by my project manager that we may wrap up the project. I was not sure if that meant going back to india. Not sure if that meant moving to another place farther away. I wanted to meet her. I just paused for a second and thought how. Fly? that was too costly. Drive? but thats 900+ miles. I'd never driver outside of just the downtown i was staying.... long distance?
Then on a tursday, i decided to go. I got car booked at budget car rentals, filled up gas, took printouts from yahoo maps and mapquest both and just drove. It was night and i got lost. stopped at gas stations and asked for directions to which they gave somethings like "go west on interstate and then you'll reach loop" etc. I was not used to instructions like that, but i had no options, i brought some maps and drove. I would reset the milaage on the dash board at every direction change on the driving directions just to be sure. some times, the directions said 220 miles on east. i was worried about gas emptying so would fill up as soon as it reached quarter tank. some places i saw "next gas station 52 miles" and i got worried about about gas getting over...i was driving a ford taurus. Like the one below. green..It was a huge car. I thought if i get in to an accident, may be i'll survive.
The drive was for 14 hrs. I was alone, slept through on the road sides and reached destination. Drove around a lot before i could find the hotel. I was tired after 14hrs of journey and was ready to sleep. I got lost on the way, was stopped by police for speeding, it was snowing in some states near to destination - all in all, it was one heck of a journey.
But the prospect of meeting my girl friend (the first and the only one i had), was so exciting that i just wanted to run out and meet her. I called and talked to her and though she said we can meet up tomorrow morning after her parents leave for work, i just could not wait. I wanted to meet her right away and was insistent. Infact i was a little surprised that she suggested it like that. I waited in the hotel till about 7:30 in the evening and then headed out to meet her.
Anticipation - the prosepect of meeting a girl - for a person who never had girl friends ever, who never been with girls on a party, journey.
അന്ന് ഞാന് ആദ്യമായി ഒരു പെണ്ണുമായി അടുക്കും എന്ന് തോന്നി. വിളിച്ചു സംസാരിച്ചു. പിന്നെ അതു ദിവസവും ഉള്ള വിളി ആയി മാറി. അടുത്ത 3 മാസം ഞാന് ഒരു $2000 ഫോണ് വിളിച്ചു തീര്ത്തു. എന്റെ റൂം മേറ്റ്സ് billsകണ്ടു ഞെട്ടി. She called up once and left a voice mail. One of the elder folks in the room was going on and on about how old (29 yrs) he is and how come no girl calls him up. etc. I felt goood about the whole situation. It was nice to have a 'girl' friend for the first time in my life. For the first time there was a female in my life whom i could call up and chit chat. That was an era when cell phones were not common. Landline was the only option and ATT landlines where costly. But who cared about money and the prospect of just being able to call up and talk was exciting for me everyday. I used to wait for evenings when i could just jump out of office and start talking..cell phones were costly. I would be riding a bike on the way home to my apartment and would be talking to her on phone with one hand. The handset was bulky like a brick. I would drive over bridges, stop at traffic lights and would put her on hold by putting the brick phone in my pocket.
it was crazy..
One fine January, i was told by my project manager that we may wrap up the project. I was not sure if that meant going back to india. Not sure if that meant moving to another place farther away. I wanted to meet her. I just paused for a second and thought how. Fly? that was too costly. Drive? but thats 900+ miles. I'd never driver outside of just the downtown i was staying.... long distance?
Then on a tursday, i decided to go. I got car booked at budget car rentals, filled up gas, took printouts from yahoo maps and mapquest both and just drove. It was night and i got lost. stopped at gas stations and asked for directions to which they gave somethings like "go west on interstate and then you'll reach loop" etc. I was not used to instructions like that, but i had no options, i brought some maps and drove. I would reset the milaage on the dash board at every direction change on the driving directions just to be sure. some times, the directions said 220 miles on east. i was worried about gas emptying so would fill up as soon as it reached quarter tank. some places i saw "next gas station 52 miles" and i got worried about about gas getting over...i was driving a ford taurus. Like the one below. green..It was a huge car. I thought if i get in to an accident, may be i'll survive.
The drive was for 14 hrs. I was alone, slept through on the road sides and reached destination. Drove around a lot before i could find the hotel. I was tired after 14hrs of journey and was ready to sleep. I got lost on the way, was stopped by police for speeding, it was snowing in some states near to destination - all in all, it was one heck of a journey.
But the prospect of meeting my girl friend (the first and the only one i had), was so exciting that i just wanted to run out and meet her. I called and talked to her and though she said we can meet up tomorrow morning after her parents leave for work, i just could not wait. I wanted to meet her right away and was insistent. Infact i was a little surprised that she suggested it like that. I waited in the hotel till about 7:30 in the evening and then headed out to meet her.
Anticipation - the prosepect of meeting a girl - for a person who never had girl friends ever, who never been with girls on a party, journey.
My Ex
I wish to listen to her. But I can't. She is my ex. I know she means well even if she is the one who is alone and with out any company. I know she cares for me still. I know she likes to listen to me if she gets the chance. I consider her as a loving, caring and a selfless person.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Office
Office is a tad boring these days. I need more independent responsibility. Since I am considered 'uncle' category, the expectations are daunting... why don't i start a business my self and get out of this rat hole...
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Spark
What is the reason behind couples feeling a lack of spark in their married life after long years of marriage? I am asking this question my self now a days because me and my wife fight more than what we used to may be 10 years back!....
She gives her own reasons - I am more critical about her dressing, diving in to work more often, less holidays (cost impacts), rising expenses and consequently less time on entertainment, less holidays, more needs, less sex, more worries and what not....
I think and analyse my actions and I know she is right!!!...I am more critical about her dressing...from simple dresses, she has moved up the fashion value chain... more flaunts, more buys and show or show offs.. Its not at a scale where a husband should cringe.. its very subtle and tolerable...but i am fcuking jealous. May be stress of work and daily troubles have taken a bigger toll on my health and looks (not that i was in great shape earlierr ;0) and now when she gets looks, i get jealous. When she buys stuff, i get jealous. Oh fcking jesus, i know i am wrong damn it.
Now she fights because i watch and comment and all that. I am not able to give the 'you look great' comments anymore...I have become a proper MCP. My ego is so fcked up that i hate to admit these to my wife....and trying to keep it happy is a struggle.....
and i can blog just to bitch about these....ha ha...funny......I guess...
I think i should ignore the things i've started to not like and what creates jealousy...after all i am a goddamned middle aged dumb muck!!
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